January 30, 2013

A bad day and a worse evening

I am hungry.  I am very, very hungry.  Today was not a good day, and this evening has been much worse.  I was starving at lunchtime and ended up buying some macaroni salad with tuna.  I figured the pasta would be easy on my system and the tuna would give me some protein.  I was in pain - moderate, not severe - for a couple of hours afterward.  Since I've been home from work, I've been extremely slow moving and feeling like my strength is literally being sapped from both my body and my spirit.  I've juice fasted plenty of times and enjoyed it, so one might think this wouldn't be all that bad.  But I really need food.  Fasting by choice when you're feeling well is entirely different than fasting by necessity when you're ill.  That lesson I have most definitely learned.

A slight feeling of desperation is starting to come over me.  Tonight I lost as much intestinal tissue as I have throughout this entire ordeal.  A few times have been particularly memorable due simply to the quantity, and tonight was one of those times.  And the feeling beforehand is difficult to describe, like something is eating away at you from the inside.  It's not a good feeling.  

Yes, the shock I initially had to all of this is being replaced by desperation.  I am quite desperate for someone to do something to help me.  I'm on two medications, and each one alone should be providing relief.  Yet for whatever reason, my body is getting hardly any relief at all even when taking both of them.  My stomach is growling, I have no energy, and my hands are shaking, but there's no way in hell I'm putting anything besides water into my body.  Not tonight anyway.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.  One can hope, yes?

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