February 14, 2013

The hole is dark, the hole is deep

This is how I feel - like I'm trying to climb out of a dark, deep, dank hole.  I'm working my way up and am now getting plenty of the sun's warmth and light, but I'm holding on precariously to hand and foot holds with the realization it wouldn't take much to knock me way back down again.  Not a terribly great imagine, but one with hope and one that is certainly much better than what I've been living with the last couple of months.

Eek.  This is where some people might get upset.  I cancelled (or rather postponed but not yet with a new date??) my colonoscopy and biopsy that was scheduled for today.  I just couldn't do it.  My instinct is that since my body has seemingly been on a path of healing that I need to try to let it continue on this path for a while longer before I "fuss" with it.  This poor physical entity that houses my spirit has been under tremendous stress nearly every single day since before Thanksgiving.  Sometimes I still have a hard time believing what has happened; it's just been such a strange series of events.  

But now this body of mine is resting, calming down, and recovering its strength.  I'm treating it with super duper baby gloves, and I'm terrified of whacking it back into disarray by way of these medical procedures and the drugs that go along with them.  At this point, especially because I'm feeling so much better than I have been and because I do not currently feel like I literally might die, I just can't take the chance of being thrown off of those hand and foot holds I'm clinging to.  Does that make sense?  Any sense at all?  I hope so. 

I do realize that I may be looking at a chronic condition.  I also realize that at some point - probably sooner than later - I ought to have the tests done, but today wasn't the day.


  1. Teresa, if your gut feeling was that the colonoscopy would be too much right now, then you made the right decision. I'm so glad you feel that you are healing!
    ~ Sue

  2. I agree, you know your body better than anyone else. So I trust your choice completely! :)